Emo meets the written word

It’s interesting how four simple letters, 2/13’s of the alphabet, can have such an impact when arranged a certain way. L. O. V. E. Now look at a different arrangement: vole, otherwise known as “a small rodent similar to a mouse but with a shorter tail and legs and a stocky body”… hardly what I would call emotionally powerful. What about levo, ovel, evol? All cannot be found in a dictionary but will one day be the names of characters in a sci-fi novel; again, not emotionally powerful. But, love? Love is far different. And you know, I thought I wanted it. I thought I needed it. But I thought about it today—truly, honestly, deeply thought about it… I have never been more afraid of anything in my life. True, I had it once and when I did I appreciated it, but that went horribly wrong. Because I gave into that emotion, I put myself out there increasing my vulnerability which, for those who don’t know me, I am a bit afraid of as well. By being vulnerable I was more susceptible to heartache. I experienced that already and now the thought of it brings me to tears. I wouldn’t call it trust issues, or fear of commitment. It is the fear of a word, one word. I have love-a-phobia. It’s not that the benefits aren’t worth it; it’s not that I wouldn’t love hearing that someone out there feels that way about me… but people change. That’s scary. It is quite possibly the strongest emotion in the world and with it comes consequences. You put yourself out there like that, you put your heart in someone else’s hands it can very easily get demolished. That didn’t happen to me—but I sure as Hell don’t want it to. Then again, no one does and yet, people take the risk everyday. With my current relationship, well, we’re not even close to that word. I’m fine with that… but for some reason, today, I thought about it. I thought about my past relationship… I’m so scared. I’m just scared. I don’t need to feel a certain way, but it’s that I don’t know how I feel. What am I supposed to feel? Or, do I even need to decide?

-Mandy

This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me.
-Colleen Wainwright